Being Politically Correct!

(From The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook' by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf)

Do you speak politically correct English?

Do you want to call someone "You Fat, Lazy, Stupid Bum!" but still want to be politically correct?

Call him: "You Horizontally Challenged, Motivationally Deficient, Differently Logical, Non-goal-oriented member of society!

Boring: Differently Interesting, Charm-Free

Crazy: Emotionally Different

Bald: Hair Disadvantaged, Follicularly Challenged

Fat: Horizontally Challenged, Larger Than Average Citizen, Person of substance, Possessing an Alternative Body Image, Differently Sized

Failure: Incomplete Success,

Unemployed: Indefinitely Idled, Involuntarily Leisured

Lazy: Motivationally Deficient, Motivationally Dispossessed

Sloppy: Specially Organized, Nontraditionally Ordered

Chronically Late: Temporarily Challenged

Clumsy: Uniquely Coordinated

Incompetent: Uniquely Proficient

Alcoholic: Person of Differing Sobriety

Alive: Temporarily Metabolically Abled - as in "He's temporarily Metabolically Abled!" shouted the doctor.

Fail a course: achieve a deficiency

Lazy Bones: Person of Torpor

Long-winded: Alternatively Concise

Loser: Uniquely-fortuned individual on an alternative career path, person with temporary unmet objectives

Sidewalk peddler: Unpremisesed business person

Shoplifter: Nontraditional Shopper

Stoned: Chemically Inconvenienced

Stupid: Differently Logical, Cerebrally Challenged

Ugly: Cosmetically Different. As in "His favorite movie was 'The good, The Bad, and the Cosmetically Different'

Lie: Categorical Inaccuracy, Counterfactual Proposition

Drunk: Sobriety Deprived

Dead: Terminally Inconvenienced

Fail: Achieve a Deficiency

Girl: Prewoman

Old: Chronologically Gifted, Experientally Enhanced

Uneducated / Illiterate: Alternatively Schooled

Prisoner: Client of the Correctional System

Vague: Differently Focused