Phoebe's Songs

A Few of My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses
and rabbits and kittens
Bluebells and sleighbells
and something with mittens
la la la la la la something with string....


Blackout

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La-la-la-la-la-la...


Cremated Mother

My mother's ashes,
even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's breezy
Or when I'm feeling sneezy
And now I...


Snowman

I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen
La-la-la-la-la-la-la...


My Coma Guy

You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day
There's something I have go to say...


Babies

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
And you cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry...


They Found Their Bodies

And they found their bodies the very next day
They found their bodies the very next day...


Double-Jointed Boy

He was a double, double, double-jointed boy


When I Play

When I play I play for me
I don't need your charity!


In the Shower

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And tegrin spelled backward is nirget. Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat


Smelly Cat

*Chorus*
Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses


Stephanie

Stephanie knows all the chords!


Terry's a Jerk

Terry's a jerk!
And he won't let me work!
And I hate Central Perk!

(time passes by)

And you're all invited to bite me!


Two of Them Kissed Last Night

There was a girl we'll call her Betty
And a guy let's call him Neil
Now I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real.

(time passes by)

Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Lulie?
He must decide, he must decide
Even though I made him up he must decide


Barnyard Animals

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Noooowwwww chickens!


Don't

There'll be times when you get older
And you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON'T
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do


Bi-sexuals

Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
Then there are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La-la-la-la-la-la...


Smelly Cat

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses

*Repeat Chorus*


Crusty Old Man

...And the crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"
And the rest of the rats played maracas


Endless Love (Duet with Chandler)

(Chandler) I’ll hold you close in my aaarms.
I can’t resist your charm. And loooove....
(Phoebe joins in) Looooove...
I’ll be a foool for youuuu. I’m sure, you know I don’t mind.
(Chandler) No you know I don’t mind.
(Chandler & Phoebe) And yes! You mean the world the world to meeee. Oooh...
(Chandler) I know.
(Phoebe) I know.
(Chandler) I’ve found.
(Phoebe) I've found...
(Chandler & Phoebe) in youuuu, my endless looov...
My endless looove....
looove....
love....
(Chandler) looove
(Phoebe) love
(Chandler) looove....


Jingle B*tch

Jingle b*tch screwed me over
Go to hell jingle whore
Go to hell, go to hell, go to h-h-hell


Sticky Shoes

My favorite shoes so good to me
I wear them everyday
Down at the heel, holes in the toe
Don't care what people say
My feet's best friend, pals to the end
With them I'm one hot chicky
Though late one night
Not much light
I stepped in something icky

*Chorus* Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Always makes me smile
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Next time I'll avoid the pile


Crazy Underwear

Crazy underwear creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear always in a rut
Crazy underwear...


The 66 Colors of my Bedroom

...fuschia and mauve
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom


Dumb Drunken B*tch

...dumb drunken b*tch!!


Parading Goats

Parading goats are parading,
Parading down the street.
Parading goats are parading,
Leaving little treats.


Paper Maché

(three snaps)
I, I'm still waiting for my paper maché man


My Sticky Shoe

My sticky shoe
My sticky, sticky shoe
Why you stick on me, baaay-bay?


Tony Tarzan

Little Tony Tarzan
Swinging on an nose hair
Swinging with the greatest of ease...


Holiday Song

Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap
Said all you need is to write them a song
Now you haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along
No don't sing along
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowwwwwy
And Rachel and Chandler, (mumbles something) handler!


Little Fetus

Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas


Little Black Curly Hair

I found you in my bed...
How'd you wind up there?
You are a mystery
Little black curly hair
Little black curly hair
Little black, little black,
Little black, little black,
Little black curly hair


Two Heart Attacks

It only takes two heart attacks
to finally make you see
one of them won't do it
but the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger
it's time to say good bye
and that is just what I will do
as soon as those bastards I work for die
Lalalalalalalalalala...


First Time I Met Chandler

First time I met chandler
I thought he was gay
but here I am singing
on his wedding daaaay


Whenever I Get Married

Whenever I get married
Guess who I won't ask to sing!
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!!!


Who's Gonna Perform the Ceremony

Who's gonna perform the ceremony?
Who's gonna perform the ceremony?


Thought Phoebe Would Leave

We thought Phoebe would leave
But she just stayed and stayed
That's right, here all night
And Chandler will never get ****


Argentina Song

And there’s a country called Argentina
It’s a place I’ve never seen
But I'm told for fifty pesos
You can buy a human spleeeeen
Human spleen!
Olé!


The Woman Smelled Like Garbage

It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like garbage!
Everyone!
It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like gaaaarbage!
Classy huh?


The Food Here At Javu

The food here at Javu...will kill you!
The food here at Javu...will kill you!

(Monica) Oh thank God, I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall.
(Phoebe) You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic's not going to overuse itself.

All lyrics and the songs links arcan be downloaded from http://www.friendscafe.org/fp/sounds/phoebe/lyrics.shtml

Back to School

As a professor at Northern Arizona University, Cathy Small was baffled by undergraduates. They seemed less engaged, less likely to do assigned reading and more likely to ask questions like "Do you want it double-spaced?"

So she decided to study them as anthropologists research any foreign culture -- she lived among them.

After moving into a dorm, eating cafeteria food and struggling with a five-course schedule, the 50-something Small said she empathized with students who struggle to balance chaotic class and work schedules.

"I'm trying to get really to what student culture is doing and tailor my teaching," said Small, who wrote a book on her research under the pseudonym Rebekah Nathan called "My Freshman Year: What a Professor Learned by Becoming a Student."

Small took a sabbatical and spent the 2002-2003 school year conducting her research. With approval from the university's research board, she used her high school transcript to get admitted and moved into a dorm -- though she did forgo the roommate experience by getting a single room.

She told students what she was doing if they asked, but found that most of them didn't, perhaps assuming she was just one of those who return to school at an older age.

Small spent the first semester taking classes outside her field of expertise, trying to immerse herself in student life. She didn't go to her Flagstaff home and didn't contact regular friends, trying to experience the loneliness and other travails of freshman life.

During her second semester, she did more formal interviews and focused on the research, which she published without identifying students or the university, although it eventually was outed by The New York Sun and other media.

Small said she found that students downplayed publicly the effort they put into assigned reading or papers, but when interviewed, many said they were interested in their course work.

Her surveys also found that only about a third of what students were talking and thinking about outside of class was based on their course work.

That finding has led Small to change her coursework to better connect to the real world and to skip reading assignments that don't have a direct purpose.

Part of the trick to college life, she learned from good students, was being able to quickly decipher what work needed to be done and what could be skipped. Those management skills helped students balance classes, part-time work and involvement in volunteer or professional groups, Small said.

She found some of the coursework tough and had to seek tutoring for a class far outside her field of study. "It was a hectic life," she said.

Small also said she found current undergraduates faced more pressure to pick a major that readily translated into a job that could pay off student loans.

Travis Shumake, student body president and a senior at NAU's School of Hotel and Restaurant Management, said he sees that all the time -- students choosing his program because it provides the "fastest results at the highest income."

Small said her generation wasn't as career-oriented in college.

"It was an era of anti-materialism. It was kind of nerdy then to talk about careers," she said. "Now, different things are nerdy."

http://www.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/08/25/my.freshman.year.ap/index.html

Ol Turkey Buzzard Lyrics

(Jose Feliciano sings)
Ol Turkey Buzzard, Ol Turkey Buzzard
Flyin, Flyin high,
He's just waiting
Buzzard just a-waiting
Waiting for somethign down below the dive
Old Buzzard knows that he can wait
Cause every mother's son has got a date,
A date with Fate.. With fate

He sees men come, he sees men go,
Crawling like ants on the rocks below
The men will steal, the men will dream
And die for gold onthe rocks below
Gold, Gold, Gold, they just gotta have that gold
Gold, Gold, Gold, they'll do anything for gold


(Speech)
A thousand years ago, in the southwest, there was an Apache legend. It told about a hidden canyon guarded by the Apache gods and rich with gold. As long as the Apaches kept the canyon a secret and never touched the gold, they would be strong...powerful. That was the legend.

When the spanish conquistadores came, they searched for the canyon, they called it canyon del oro, meaning canyon of gold, but they never found it

Three hundred years later, the Americans came. They heard about the legend but called it, "The Lost Adams". That was because a man named Adams saw it once or so he said. But whether he did or not, he never saw anything again because the Apache's burned out his eyes.

Everybody knew about the legend and a lot of people believed it: Canyon del oro; The Lost Adams. Then for a while there back in 1874, they called it McKenna's Gold.


(Jose Feliciano sings)
Ol Turkey Buzzard, Ol Turkey Buzzard
Flyin, Flyin high,
He's just waiting
Buzzard just a-waiting
Waiting for somethign down below the dive
Old Buzzard knows that he can wait
Cause every mother's son has got a date,
A date with Fate.. With fate

He sees men come, he sees men go,
Crawling like ants on the rocks below
A whiff of gold and off they go
to die like rats on the rocks below
Gold, Gold, Gold, they'll do anything for gold
Gold, Gold, Gold, gotta have McKenna's gold

(On) Forgiveness

You must forgive others. No matter what they have done.

It is the command of God.

To not forgive hurts you. If you desire God's blessing, you must forgive.

You may think it is impossible to forgive someone who has deeply wronged you.

With God "everything" is possible. He never asks us to do something we cannot do.

English is a hard language to learn

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

I did not object to the object.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

Newspaper Headlines faux pas

In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The "Gazette" regrets the error.


The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.


The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.


The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.


Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather.


The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.


Last week Toronto policemen buried one of their own - a 22-year-old constable shot with his own revolver in a solemn display of police solidarity rarely seen in Canada.


Mrs. Consigny was living alone in her home in Nakoma after her husband died in 1954 when the phone rang.


Two men - one carrying a dynamite bomb and the other an officer of the New Jewish Defense League - were arrested today on charges of plotting to bomb the Egyptian government tourist office in Rockefeller Center, the FBI announced.


After years of being lost under a pile of dust, Walter P. Stanley, III, left, found all the old records of the Bangor Lions Club at the Bangor House.


The AFSC began by reconstruction work in World War I and fed the needy of all views after the Russian Revolution, headed by future President Herbert Hoover.


Black Panther leader Huey Newton, terming a 1974 murder charge "strictly a fabrication," said yesterday he will testify at his trial on charges of killing a prostitute against his lawyer's advice.


Newman, author of two Book-of-the-Month club books on the abuse of language, hinted in a speech to nearly 1,300 persons in the Memorial Union Theater that efforts to improve language may be the result of attacks on pompous, inane, verbose language such as his.


Chief Blue, the last full-blooded Catawba Indian Chief died in 1959. The Evening Herald inorrectly said Wednesday that he died three years ago due to a reporting error.


The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.


The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.


Yoko Ono will talk about her husband John Lennon who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters.


Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.


The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50.


Tonight's program discusses stress, exercise, nutrition, and sex with Celtic forward Scott Wedman, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, and Dick Cavett.


We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.


One witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse taking place between two parked cars in front of her house.


Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests." A large number were present.


The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.


Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.


Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse.


Migraines strike twice as many women as do men.


Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.

Used Apple laptops cause stampede

A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.

"This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling blacktop with one foot bare.

More than 1,000 people turned out at the Richmond International Raceway in hopes of getting their hands on one of the 4-year-old Apple iBooks, which retail for between $999 and $1,299. The Henrico County school system was selling 1,000 of the computers to county residents.

Officials opened the gates at 7 a.m., but some already had been waiting for hours in line. When the gates opened, it became a terrifying mob scene.

People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.

Police would not immediately comment on the number of or extent of injuries, though witnesses said they mostly had scrapes and bruises.

"It's rather strange that we would have such a tremendous response for the purchase of a laptop computer -- and laptop computers that probably have less-than- desirable attributes," said Paul Proto, director of general services for Henrico County. "But I think that people tend to get caught up in the excitement of the event -- it almost has an entertainment value."

Blandine Alexander, 33, said one woman standing in front of her was so desperate to retain her place in line that she urinated on herself.

"I've never been in something like that before, and I never again will," said Alexander, who brought her 14-year-old twin boys to the complex at 4:30 a.m. to wait in line. "No matter what the kids want, I already told them I'm not doing that again."

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,"' the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

from CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/08/16/computer.frenzy.ap/index.html)

Hurk!

E(x) = Σ p . r

(Expected Value = probabilities * possible outcomes)
E(x) = Σ p . r


Expected Value

Dim it to Hell

It's about time I took a position on something, and I've decided that something is going to be the dim sum thing. It's time for all the peoples of the world to take a stand against dim sum -- including the Chinese, who invented it.

Dim sum is a brunch that's often served at Chinese restaurants on Sunday morning, when the Chinese, apparently, are hungover and in need of greasy, deep-fried animal parts. Usually, there are a number of small covered dishes on a wheeled cart, which the server keeps bringing to your table until you're either full, or have accidentally chosen the dish with animal feet.

You see, there's always an animal foot on the dim sum menu, but you can't tell which dish it is, because you don't speak Chinese. It's probably called the Yow Duck Toe or the Moo Goo Woof Woof. Who can tell? Look at the picture on the right. Which ones contain animal parts? Is it the Tai Ni Po Ni or the Stin Ki Pork?

I keep getting suckered into trying dim sum. (They call it dim sum because you have to be dim to try sum). Recently, it was with some friends of the family, a couple from Shanghai who moved to the U.S. about five years ago. I see them once a year or so, and while they are always very friendly, I still don't know how to pronounce either of their names. The husband is named Xiang, and the wife is named Tsing. Or maybe it's the other way around. Who can tell? It's like a truck full of consonants collided with a passenger bus full of vowels.

When Jade and I met up with them on a recent Sunday morning in Chinatown, they suggested we go out to dim sum. I resisted. "We've never had a good dim sum experience," I said.

"Ah!" exclaimed Xiang/Tsing. "You not order the right things. We order for you."

"You HAVE not ordered the right things," I corrected him. "We WILL order for you." I did this in my mind, so as not to offend him.

"We always end up ordering the chicken feet by accident," Jade said.

"Ha ha ha!" giggled Tsing/Xiang. One good thing about the Chinese: they laugh at anything. As a comedy writer, I should move to China, where I would also have the benefit of comically oversized eyes. "Ha ha ha!" she repeated. "Don't worry, we order for you. It's good. We take care of you!"

"We WILL take care of you," I corrected her (internally).

They took us to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant, where we were the only whiteys in the joint. The four of us squeezed into a narrow booth, and made awkward Chinglish small talk. A toothless Asian grandmother wheeled the dim sum cart to our table. She had a filthy polka-dot dishrag draped over her shoulder, and I pictured her drying our forks with it. Xstiang and Tshchiang conversed with her for a while, and soon the table was covered in buns, dumplings, and meat. It looked like we slaughtered the Pillsbury Doughboy.

"Try this!" said Xstschioang, passing me a fluffy dollop of dough. "You like it!"

"WILL I like it?" I asked. I made a mental note that if we had time after the meal, we could go shopping for verbs.

"Ha ha!" she said. "Yes! Yes!"

It was a pork dumpling of some kind. No problems there. After all, pork is "The Other White Meat," though I never understood why that tagline was supposed to make us want to eat more pork. We don't call hamburger "The Other Brown Meat," possibly because it would get confused with Dennis Rodman's genitals.

I ate a few more mystery dishes, and everything was going fine until I bit into the sweet and sour chicken fingers. As my teeth sank into bone, I realized that I was not eating chicken FINGERS, but chicken FEET. CURSE THIS HORROR KNOWN AS DIM SUM! CURSE THE CHINESE AND THEIR AMPUTATED POULTRY! Do they have any chickens that can still walk, or are they all hobbling around on crutches and wheelchairs? You know what we do with the chicken feet in America? WE THROW THEM AWAY! THEY'RE FEET, FOR GOD'S SAKE! THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS WALKING IN CHICKEN SHIT!

"I seem to have eaten the chicken feet again," I said, choking down the mouthful of footy goodness.

"They call them Phoenix Talons," said Xchsxcshoiaong-Dong.

"I thought that was an NBA team," I said.

I glanced over at Jade, who was having an equally difficult time: she had accidentally eaten the tripe. She was smiling, clearly to mask the pain, as she forced it down with a large gulp of water.

At work on Monday, I told one of my co-workers that I went to this restaurant over the weekend. "Oh NO!" he shouted. "You went THERE?!"

"Yeah, why?"

"Speaking as an Asian to a white guy, let me tell you: I saw one of the most disgusting things of my life at that place," he confided. "I was eating dim sum there one day, and this old guy walked into the restaurant. You know the cup full of toothpicks they keep at the counter? He grabbed the entire handful of toothpicks, lifted his arm, and scratched his armpit with them, like it was a giant comb. Then he put the toothpicks back in the cup." He shook his head sadly. "It's another generation. They just don't understand things like hygiene."

As far-fetched as his story was, you have to admit: it doesn't really matter. You hear a story like that, you can never visit that restaurant again. Possibly, you can never eat at another restaurant for the rest of your life.

But hey, I guess eating meals at home from now on will have one side benefit: I won't have to eat any more dim sum.


John Hargrave, the King of Dot Comedy, is an author, speaker, and performer fried and blended into a savory sauce with garlic flavoring, served in a sizzling hot pot

http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&sort=active&head=1&thread_id=56614

Removal from IRS mailing list

Friends in high places.

Problem Solving flowchart

Desperately seeking Govinda

'Where is Govinda in Mumbai's hour of crisis?'
IANS [Tuesday, August 02, 2005]

Residents of this flood-soaked city are targeting their political representatives for eluding them in the hour of crisis and topping the list of politicians facing public ire is Bollywood star and MP Govinda.

Govinda, who contested the general election as a Congress candidate from the north Mumbai constituency last year to make his debut in the Lok Sabha, has not toured any of the flood-affected area in his constituency till Tuesday noon.

"When he was contesting the election last year, Govinda used to visit our area so many times. We thought he was one of us. But when we actually need him, he is nowhere to be seen," said Vikas Raut, an indignant Andheri suburb resident.

"If he can make appearances on television sets and give his opinion about floods, why can't he visit us to see our plight. We are not getting power, food or water but he is least bothered now," added Raut, a real estate professional.

Repeated attempts to reach Govinda to seek his comments proved futile.

The residents of north Mumbai, the worst flood-affected area that accounted for most of the 425 deaths, came out on the streets to protest the actor's move to stay away from region despite massive devastation caused by the catastrophe.

As a symbol of their anger against their elected representatives who failed them when needed most, the demonstrators carried pictures of many political leaders garlanded with shoes.

Besides the popular actor, many other political outfits and leaders have come under severe public criticism for not responding to the needs of the marooned people.

The fresh deluge following the torrential rains since Saturday night added to the misery of the city where the worst rains in 100 years last week claimed an incredible 350 lives in just two days.

The toll now stands at about 425. Tens of thousands are homeless.

Many low-lying mainly middle class areas like the northern suburbs of Andheri, Bandra, Borivili, Santa Cruz, Saki Naka, Sion and Goregaon - all of them thickly populated - continue to reel under a sea of floodwater.

"Political leaders like Govinda are not MP as in member of parliament. They are master in politics...they know very well how to win elections," said Dilip Joshi, a public relations executive with a private firm.

"And once they win, they don't bother to look back. I think one can now easily declare an award for anyone providing information about the whereabouts of our elected representative," added Joshi.

Agreed grocery shop owner Rakesh Viadya. "These politicians will never understand our plight sitting in their plush air-conditioned apartments.

"We should never expect much from politicians like Govinda, especially in these circumstances."


Govinda aalaa rey aalaa

Why Me? - Arthur Ashe

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of CANCER. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?

To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -

50 million children start playing tennis,

5 million learn to play tennis,

500,000 learn professional tennis,

50,000 come to the circuit,

5000 reach the grand slam,

50 reach Wimbeldon,

4 to semi final,

2 to the finals,

When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?".

And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

Odd Jobs !

Times Review lists out 10 of the strangest jobs in India.

1. JOB: Railway Pointsman

MEANS? The Pointsman, who is sometimes a woman, stands with a metal ball attached to a cane ring and waits by the tracks for the engine driver to collect it at high speed.

Passing the buck is a government servant's affliction. But this one actually saves lives. Around the time when Nasa decided that it will freeze its shuttle programme because it was not secure enough, Rajani Sharad Awad stood close to the tracks near Saswad Road railway station upholding a cane ring and an old security tradition.

An express train, too self-important to stop at a small station like Saswad, rushes towards her furiously. As a gust of tumultuous wind blows at her cringing face, the engine driver's assistant leans out, shoves his hand into the cane ring and collects it from her hand. What he wants is not the ring but a leather pouch attached to it. The pouch contains a steel ball, also called a ‘token’.

At the next station, the driver gives the ball to a pointsman who then drops it into an ancient equipment usually, the Neale's Ball Token Instrument, a method of controlling traffic on a single line system.

Rajani’s job involves precision timing and a steady posture barely a feet away from the railway track as the train passes at speeds more than 90 kmph.

“Initially I would feel hesitant about standing close to a passing train but I had no choice,” she says. She landed the job on compassionate grounds after husband Sharad, a railway gangman, died in an accident.


Railway Pointsperson

2. JOB: Filmmaker, Malegaon

MEANS? Watch films. Make Malegaon's own version (like Malegaon Ki Lagaan or Malegaon Ka Dinosaur ) for about Rs 50,000 after casting Malegaon's stars like Malegaon Ka Amitabh. Earn fame in Malegaon.

Must be the spherical property of Earth. Three hundred kilometers down a long road from Mumbai, you feel you have arrived in the melancholic aspirations of filmmaking, even glamour of some sorts.

In a small town called Malegaon, where girls are always filling water and boys with silky hair are planning their next movie.

They are usually wielders, or daily wage earners in dark powerlooms or those grave artistic unemployed like twenty-nine year old Farogh Jafri.

He has worked hard on Malegaon Ki Lagaan , one of the many spoofs of Hindi films that mysteriously do exceedingly well in this town. Malegaon Ke Sholay ran for several weeks after the classical character Gabbar Singh became Rubber Singh and Basanti became Basmati.

These films are usually made within a budget of Rs 50,000 though there are ambitious plans to spend over a lakh on future projects like Malegaon Ka Mughal-e-Azam and an ambitious spoof on the Jurassic Park called Malegaon Ka Dinasaur.

Since funds are their biggest problem, they cannot afford cranes and trolleys. Instead they tie the cameraman to one end of a bullock cart and ask ‘the crew’ to pull the other end down or up. Camera is usually panned by placing it on top of a bicycle's backseat.


malegaon ka filmmaker


3. JOB: Being A Langoor

MEANS? Be a langoor. Scare monkeys away. Make Rs 5,000 every month.

People in Mumbai will readily believe that there are way too many monkeys in Delhi. Most of them are actually not people we know. The monkey menace in Delhi has given an absurd employment for langoors who earn up to Rs 5,000 each per month for chasing monkeys away. Monkeys in Delhi are known to wreck havoc.

“Once the window of my room was mistakenly not latched and next day it was hell inside. All files were torn, telephones disconnected and some torn files were found outside the veranda,” says a senior health ministry official in Nirman Bhawan.

Cars parked outside these high-security places are found dented. Seat covers and anything kept inside the car are damaged. Seat covers of two-wheelers are regularly scratched.

Ajay who owns a trained langoor called Jhumru has a regular entry pass to Nirman Bhawan, a government building besieged by monkeys.

The mere sight of Jhumru scares away the monkeys and the place is considered much safer now. “Since the langoor business is picking up in the Capital, we are hopeful that our next generation would also be in this profession,” Ajay says.


4. JOB: Skull Breaker
MEANS? Be a sweeper in an Ahmedabad morgue, watch classy doctors feel repulsed by bodies, break skulls for them (of the dead alone), learn more about human morphology.

Dhanjibhai Parmar, 44, is an illiterate class-four sweeper who has never been to a school. He is known as an almost surgeon.

In the postmortem (PM) room of the Civil Hospital, Ahmedabad, Dhanji can be seen deftly marking the skull of a dead body to be hammered open and then later neatly suturing the flap of the skin back.

Closing the body after the autopsy is complete is also one of Dhanji's strengths. “In the PM room, Dhanji is the real surgeon,” says one of the forensic medicine doctor.

Cutting open the dead, many of them already mutilated beyond recognition, is not an enviable task. That's where people like Dhanji come in though officially they are not expected to do the job.

Sometimes they squat on bodies, pick up parts and show them to the doctor. “When I was put in the PM department five years ago, I would throw up on the table,” the Dhanji says. Over the years, he admits to having come to terms with his job that fetches him Rs 4,000 a month. But he cannot work without gutkha and bidis to stay a little intoxicated.


5. JOB: Dog Shrink

MEANS? They are shrinks whom dogs consult.

Reading the mind of a human being is difficult enough, but Dr Shirin and Dr Junaid Merchant have been reading the minds of dogs for 10 years. They have communicated with over 800 dogs so far, and today charge between Rs 500 and Rs 800 per consultation. But how does a dog shrink work?

“Dogs have very definite body language. Most owners are not able to understand these signs. That is when the problem starts,” Dr Shirin explains.

When a dog licks his lips he could be asking you to stop petting it too much. An upright tail which is moving a little does not necessarily mean the animal is happy, if he tucks his tail between his legs, it means he is nervous.

The first three months of the animal’s stay with its owners are crucial. “A few hours of being chained or on a leash would damage the animal psychologically for life. That's when we are called in,” says Junaid.


6. JOB: Instant Marriage Pandit

MEANS? Find one Maithil brahmin boy and one Maithil brahmin girl in a fair. Take them to a Shiva temple and declare them man and wife.

In the months of June and July, Maithil brahmins gather in what’s popularly known as sabha gachhi at Saurath. The boys and girls come with their parents and more importantly, horoscopes.

The priests, reverently called panjikars, study the horoscopes, decide on the matches and get the suitable boys and girls married that very instant in a Shiva temple in the immediate proximity. Generations of Maithil brahmins have gone single to this fair and returned with company. Without the blessing of the panjikar, Maithil brahmins cannot get hitched.

“We issue a no-objection certificate on a palm leaf to permit matrimonial alliances,” says Shakti Nandan Jha, or Batukji, known as the man who traces family trees of Maithil brahmins. Batukji has himself arranged over 5,000 marriages since 1965. He earns a nominal Rs 51 to Rs 101 per alliance, and can make a decent Rs 5,000 in the marriage months.


7. JOB: Rat Catcher

MEANS? He makes a living killing rats. The Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation unleashes thirty-five killers every night.

Their job is to destroy rats, and are paid Rs 30 a night for their services.

They operate mainly in south Mumbai and sometimes up to Mahim. With the help of torch lights they scan drains for any movement and hunt with a steel hook-like instrument.


8. JOB: Coin Fishers

MEANS? Find holy river. Dive in and lie on the river bed. Grope for coins.

When no one is looking, some devotees of Ganga cheaply throw coins that are no longer in circulation. That's what the Mallah community has found out in the course of their work.

These descendants of King Nishad, who are spread across Uttar Pradesh and West Bengal, apply oil on their bodies and slide down with the help of a rope to the river bed.

And they lie there. They control their breathe for one or two minutes, and while their eyes are closed, their hands search for coins. At times, apart from coins in circulation, they find idols and ornaments.


9. JOB: Ras Leela’s Radha & Krishna

MEANS? Be an unmarried adolescent boy. Get the privileged role of Radha and Krishna at the Raas Leela.

The Swaroopdharis are a community based in Brajbhoomi, Mathura. Traditional performers of the ‘Raas Leela’, they are invited from far-flung areas to do their shows.

Both the gender parts are played by male artistes. The Swaroopdharis are mainly young, unmarried boys who have mastered music and dance. After they are married, they are not allowed perform the roles of Radha and Krishna.



10 Cocunut Spinning Man
In the dry areas of Rajasthan, a man with an incense stick walks searching for water. Another man sits on a coconut and rotates himself with his feet.

It is believed that if the incense man reaches the right spot,the man on the coconut starts spinning faster. Then the spot is marked and dug.