I have a cunning plan - Baldrick

I have a cunning plan - Baldrick


Blackadder, though now 20 years old, is still one of the funniest comedy shows ever made, and probably the only historic comedy EVER made! There were only ever four seasons of Blackadder and each deal with a different period in history ­ it begins in the middle ages (Blackadder) and ends up in World War I (Blackadder goes Forth). It stars Rowan Atkinson as Blackadder and Tony Robinson as Baldrick, the only two characters that appear in every season.

The Blackadder (season 1) is set in the Middle Ages. Prince Blackadder Blackadder is scheming to take the crown off his father, accompanied by his servant Baldrick and the incompetent Lord Percy.

In Blackadder II (season 2), Lord Blackadder Blackadder is in the service of Queen Elizabeth I and is seeking her approval. Baldrick is still his servant and Lord Percy Percy is still around to cause chaos.

In Blackadder the Third (season 3), Blackadder Blackadder, Esq. is a butler having to serve Richard III, as he has lost the family fortune. Serving Blackadder is Baldrick, the servant who just won¹t quit!

The final season, Blackadder goes Forth (season 4) has Blackadder as the Captain of a unit on the front lines in WWI and having to deal with the everyday situation of war. This season puts a different spin on things, as Blackadder can order those under him to do what he wants, however, he must also obey the orders from above (though he sometimes doesn¹t). Baldrick is one of the enlisted personnel serving under him.

The series ran from 1983-1990 when the final season was shown. Since then there have been numerous specials on television, and though nowhere near as good as the series, are still excellent.

Here are some of the finest plans that Baldrick comes up with in Season IV. (Set in WWI)

Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?

Baldrick: I'm carving something on this bullet sir.

Blackadder: What are you carving?

Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.

Blackadder: Why?

Baldrick: It's a cunning plan actually.

Blackadder: Of course it is.

Baldrick: You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?

Blackadder: Yes?

Baldrick: Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it,

I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself.

Blackadder: Oh, shame.

Baldrick: And, the chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.

Blackadder: That's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water-biscuit.

___


Baldrick: Permission to speak sir.

Blackadder: Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed sir.

Blackadder: Ah yes, what is it?

Baldrick: Cooking.

Blackadder: I see. [enters the dugout again]

Baldrick: You know staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks?

Well, we go over there, we cook 'em something, and get out of the trenches that way.

Blackadder: Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.

Baldrick: Is it?

Blackadder: Yes, it's superb.

Baldrick: [delighted] Permission to write home immediately sir, this is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig-swill. My mother will be as pleased as Punch.

Blackadder: Hm-hm, if only she were as good-looking as Punch,

Baldrick. There is however one slight flaw in the plan.

Baldrick: Oh?

Blackadder: You're the worst cook in the entire world.

Baldrick: Oh yeah, that's right.

Blackadder: There are amoeba on Saturn who can boil a better egg than you. Your Filet Mignon in sauce Bernaise look like dog-turds in glue.

Baldrick: That's because they are.

Blackadder: Your plum-duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit-droppings.

Baldrick: I thought you wouldn't notice.

Blackadder: Your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.

Baldrick: Again it's.....

Blackadder: If you were to serve one of your meals in staff HQ you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends around for a wine-and-anthrax party. No, we'll have to think of a better plan than that.

Baldrick: Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over?

Blackadder: [suspicious] What's on the menu?

Baldrick: Rat. [shows him a big black rat] Saute or fricassee.

Blackadder: [peers at the rat] Oh, the agony of choice. Saute involves...?

Baldrick: Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, and you marinade it in a puddle for a while.

Blackadder: Hmm, for how long?

Baldrick: Until it's drowned. Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, then you get within dashing distance of the latrine, and then you scoff it right down.

Blackadder: So that's sauteing, and fricasseeing?

Baldrick: Exactly the same, just a slightly bigger rat.

Blackadder: Well, call me Old Mr. Un-adventurous but I think I'll give it a miss this once.

___

Baldrick: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.

Blackadder: Good Lord! A saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.

Baldrick: Ah....

Blackadder: Let's see, what have we here? A small painted wooden duck.

Baldrick: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brillaint disguise.


Blackadder: Yeeeesss, I would, of course, have to escape first. Ah, but what's this, unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel?

Baldrick: You *are* much mistaken!

Blackadder: A pencil and a miniature trumpet.

Baldrick: Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard to tell me how the break out went and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.


Blackadder: Baldrick, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Now let me ask you some simple questions: is there are a saw in this bag?

Baldrick: No.

Blackadder: A hammer?

Baldrick: No.

Blackadder: A chisel?

Baldrick: No.

Blackadder: A gun?

Baldrick: No.

Blackadder: A false passport?

Baldrick: (thinks) No.

Blackadder: A change of clothes?

Baldrick: Yes sir, of course I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.

Blackadder: Ah, now that's something, let's see.....a Robin Hood costume.

Baldrick: I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought 'What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?'

Blackadder: And what if I arrive in a French peasant village, dressed in a Robin Hood costume and there *isn't* a fancy dress party?

Baldrick: Well, to be quite frank sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a.....

Blackadder: (interrupting) Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?

Baldrick: Exactly!

___

(enter Baldrick in a drag dress)

Baldrick: No anymore sir. May I present my cunning plan.

Blackadder: Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. Can you sing, can you dance? Or are you offering to be sawn in half?

Baldrick: I don't think those things are important in a modern marriage, sir. I offer simple home cooking.

Blackadder: Our plan is to find a new leading lady for our show. What is your plan?

Baldrick: My plan is that I will marry General Melchett. I am the other woman.

George: Well, Congradulations Baldrick. I hope you will be very happy.

Baldrick: I will, sir, cos when I get back from honeymoon, I will be a member of the aristocracy and you will have to call me 'M'lady'.

Blackadder: What happened to your Revolutionary principles, Baldrick? I thought you hated the aristocracy.

Baldrick: I'm working to bring down the system from within, sir. I'm a sort of a Frozen House.

Blackadder: *Trojan Horse*, Baldrick.

___


Baldrick: I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, sir.

Blackadder: Do you, Baldrick, do you...

Baldrick: You go round the hostipal and ask everyone, "Are you a German spy?"

Blackadder: Yes, I must say, Baldrick, I appreciate your involvement on the creative side.

Baldrick: If it was me, I'd own up.

Blackadder: Of course you would. But, sadly, the enemy have not added to the German Army Entrance Form the requirement "Must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato."

___

Blackadder: I'm sorry, I think I've got to get out of here!!!

Baldrick: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.

Blackadder: All right, Baldrick -- for old time's sake.

Baldrick: Well, you phone Field Marshal Haig, sir, and you ask him to get you out of here.

Blackadder: (stands) Baldrick, even by your standards it's pathetic! I've only ever met Field Marshal Haig once, it was twenty years ago, and, my god, you've got it, you've got it! (he kisses Baldrick's hat)

Baldrick: Well, if I've got it, you've got it too, now, sir.

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