The Fifth Amendment

Aum

Aum


The symbol of Om contains of three curves, one semicircle and a dot. The large lower curve symbolizes the waking state; the upper curve denotes deep sleep (or the unconscious) state, and the lower curve (which lies between deep sleep and the waking state) signifies the dream state. These three states of an individual’s consciousness, and therefore the entire physical phenomenon, are represented by the three curves. The dot signifies the Absolute (fourth or Turiya state of consciousness), which illuminates the other three states. The semicircle symbolizes maya and separates the dot from the other three curves. The semicircle is open on the top, which means that the absolute is infinite and is not affected by maya. Maya only affects the manifested phenomenon. In this way the form of Om symbolizes the entire Universe.

"Om is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it".

The Music of Om
Om is not a word but rather an intonation, which, like music, transcends the barriers of age, race, culture and even species. It is made up of three Sanskrit letters, aa, au and ma which, when combined together, make the sound Aum or Om. It is believed to be the basic sound of the world and to contain all other sounds. It is a mantra or prayer in itself. If repeated with the correct intonation, it can resonate throughout the body so that the sound penetrates to the centre of one's being, the atman or the soul.

There is harmony, peace and bliss in this simple but deeply philosophical sound. By vibrating the sacred syllable Om, the supreme combination of letters, if one thinks of the Ultimate Personality of Godhead and quits his body, he will certainly reach the highest state of "stateless" eternity, states the Bhagavad Gita.

The Vision of Om
Om provides a dualistic viewpoint. On one hand, it projects the mind beyond the immediate to what is abstract and inexpressible. On the other hand, it makes the absolute more tangible and comprehensive. It encompasses all potentialities and possibilities; it is everything that was, is, or can yet be. It is omnipotent and likewise remains undefined.

The Power of Om
While meditating, when we chant Om, we create within ourselves a vibration that attunes sympathy with the cosmic vibration and we start thinking universally. The momentary silence between each chant becomes palpable. Mind moves between the opposites of sound and silence until, at last, it ceases the sound. In the silence, the single thought—Om—is quenched; there is no thought. This is the state of trance, where the mind and the intellect are transcended as the individual self merges with the Infinite Self in the pious moment of realization. It is a moment when the petty worldly affairs are lost in the desire for the universal. Such is the immeasurable power of Om.

I want it all

Cricket: A one act play

Dramatis personae

Graeme Smith (South Africa, Captain, World XI)

Jacques Kallis (South Africa)

Inzamam-ul-Haq (Pakistan)

Shoaib Akhtar (Pakistan)

Virender Sehwag (India)

Rahul Dravid (India)

Brian Lara (West Indies)

Andrew Flintoff (England)

Daniel Vettori (New Zealand)

Muttiah Muralitharan (Sri Lanka)



(Time: A day before the Super Series Test match between the World XI and Australia. Venue: Sydney Cricket Ground. Some of the World XI players are getting ready for a practice session.)



Smith: (runs fast) I’ll stand at first slip.



Inzamam: (who couldn’t run fast) No, that’s my position. I’m the CAPTAIN (he stresses) of Pakistan cricket team. I usually field in that position.



Smith: But, I’m known as the best fielder in first slip.



Inzamam: Who told you? You just started out. I’m much more experienced than you.



Flintoff: But, Smith is the captain of the World XI. He decides who should field at what position.



Inzamam: (bellows) You mind your business. (After a pause) Actually, I was not at all interested in coming over here. You guys did not include me in the original squad. Now, you are insulting me by asking me to field at third slip.



Smith: (angrily) Hello! I didn’t select the squad.



Dravid: (in a pleading voice) Enough, guys. Stay cool. Let’s start the practice.



Smith: OK. Come on, boys.



(Sehwag chuckles and exchanges glances with Inzamam.)



Smith: (Turning to Sehwag) Virender, why did you chuckle?



Muralitharan: (in an offended voice) Who is chucking?



(Nobody answers him.)



Sehwag: (with a look of mock surprise) Why? Should I take permission from you even to chuckle?



(Inzamam walks to first slip position and tries to elbow Smith out from there.)



Smith (in a hurt voice): OK, I give up. Anyway, I know that you are an aal… (stops midway on seeing Inzy’s expression.)



Inzamam: (furiously) What! How dare you?



Smith: (in a frightened voice) No…no, I….I….I just said that I wanted to go to the loo.



(Inzamam is not convinced, and glares at Smith.)



Smith: (ignoring him) OK, boys… (Sehwag chuckles once again). OK, let Brian bat first. (Lara moves to the batting crease totally oblivious of the happenings around.) Shoaib, you can bowl the first over.



Shoaib Akhtar: (who was staring all along at Inzamam) No, I’m not in a mood.



Smith: What! Not in a mood!



Akhtar: Well, I have got an injury. Pulled my hamstring.



Smith: (angrily) Then, why did you come here? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?



Akhtar: (hoarsely) I don’t have to tell you. I will tell the Pakistan Cricket Board after I reach home.



Sehwag: (intervening) Graeme, you can’t talk to him like that. He is somebody. He is even getting offers to act in Bollywood movies, you know.



(Akhtar smiles at Sehwag appreciatively. Then, he turns his back on Smith and starts his long stride towards the pavilion.



Sehwag bursts out laughing. Smith ignores him this time, and turns to Flintoff and Kallis.)



Smith: Come on, boys.



(Flintoff and Kallis pretend not hear his voice and continue their conversation about the ICC Player of the Year Award which they won.)



Kallis: I knew that you too would get the award.



Flintoff: Really?



Kallis: Your performance against the Australians was outstanding. By the way, what are you chewing?



Flintoff: Oh, that’s a breath-freshening mint. Simon Jones too likes it.



(Suddenly they hear a noise. Nathan Bracken, the Australian quickie, who was hiding behind the nets overhearing what they were talking, runs excitedly towards his Aussie dressing-room.



Lara, in the meanwhile, gives his bat to Vettori, takes the ball from him and goes to the bowling crease. Muralitharan takes one of the bails in his hand and bowls a wrong ‘un at Smith.)



Smith: (despairingly) Will somebody tell me what is going on here?



Curtains.

Astronomers may have detected first starlight

Twinkle Twinkle little star.....

Researchers from NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland believe they have captured traces of radiation from long-extinguished stars that were "born" during the universe's infancy.

The research represents the first tangible -- but not conclusive evidence of these earliest stars, which are thought to have produced the raw materials from which future stars, including our sun, were created.

The Big Bang, the explosion believed to have created the universe, is thought to have occurred 13.7 billion years ago. About 100 million years later, hydrogen atoms began to merge and ignite, creating brightly burning stars. Just what these stars were like wasn't clear.

"Where they lived, how big they were, how much light they emitted, whether they even existed, we weren't sure," said astrophysicist Alexander Kashlinsky, the lead author of the article appearing in Thursday's issue of the journal Nature. "What we've done, we think, is obtain the first information about these stars."

Kashlinsky's team used NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope to measure the cosmic radiation, which is infrared light invisible to the human eye, in a small sliver of the sky. The team then subtracted the radiation levels of all known galaxies and suggested that the leftover measurements include radiation given off by those earliest stars.

The exercise was like taking a recording of a stadium full of loud people and subtracting the noise of every person except one to hear the voice of that single individual.

If the team's conclusions are correct, the study will advance understanding of how the universe originally lit up.

Avi Loeb, a Harvard astronomy professor who was not involved in the research, said the early universe was probably dark for half a million years. Later, hydrogen coalesced into brightly burning stars that were hundreds to a million times more massive than the sun, and these are the stars whose fingerprints Kashlinsky's team hopes it has found.

"That's why this (study) was so exciting -- for the first time, we're looking at potential evidence of how the first starlight was produced and when it was formed," Loeb said.

An astronomy professor at the California Institute of Technology who was not involved in the study cautiously agreed with Kashlinsky's conclusion. In a commentary published by Nature, Richard Ellis wrote, "Even a minor blunder in removing these foreground signals might lead to a spurious result," but he said in an interview that Kashlinsky's team did the best job it could given the constraints of the technology used.

"I can't find anything wrong with the analysis. Of course, the next step is for other astronomers to try to prove it right," Ellis said.

Ned Wright, an astronomy professor at UCLA, was more doubtful. He argued that the process of removing the radiation contribution of other stars is too imprecise to make the team's conclusions valid, and that the measurement it saw is not the signal of ancient stars.

"I'm very skeptical of this result. I think it's wrong," he said. "I think what they're seeing is incompletely subtracted residuals from nearby sources."

Loeb agreed that Kashlinsky's results were not irrefutable, but he said the team's conclusion is a plausible first step that represents an important milestone toward understanding how stars first formed.

In the same issue of Nature, a team of Chinese researchers reported on a separate astronomical issue.

They said they had found that the super-massive black hole at the center of the Milky Way is small enough that it would fit between the Earth and the sun. That puts it at half the size of previous estimates.

Sachin Tendulkar's Second Wind

India maul Lanka, take lead in ODI series

On Sachin Tendulkar, Battle Hymn of the Republic of India

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored,
He has loosed the fateful lightening of His terrible swift willow
His fame is marching on.


Sachin Tendulkar gave glimpses of his vintage form with a scorching 93 to make a memorable comeback as India relied on a clinical all-round display to fashion a comprehensive 152-run victory over Sri Lanka in the first cricket one-dayer here today.

After rattling up a mammoth 350 for 6 with a collective onslaught by most of the top order batsmen, spinners Harbhajan Singh and Murali Kartik hogged the limelight with three wickets each to bundle out the visitors for 198 in 35.4 overs, giving the hosts a 1-0 lead in the seven-match series.

Tendulkar, returning to the international arena after a six-month injury lay-off, set the tone with his 96-ball knock, while Irfan Pathan (83) and captain Rahul Dravid (85 not out) were the other notable performers on what appeared to be a good batting track at the VCA Stadium.

M S Dhoni then provided the late sparks to the innings, the highest-ever total recorded in this ground, with a quickfire 28-ball 38 to leave the islanders in a complete daze as even Muttiah Muralitharan failed to make much of in impact.

The Sri Lankans lost captain Marvan Atapattu (1) early but kept themselves in the chase with a rollicking 64-run second wicket partnership between Sanath Jayasuriya (27) and Kumara Sangakkara (43).

But Jayasuriya's dismissal in the 11th over completely changed the complexion of the game as the Lankan middle order collapsed like a pack of cards, falling prey to the guiles of Harbhajan (3/35) and Kartik (3/48).

The two teams will now travel to Mohali for the second one-dayer to be held under floodlights on October 28.

The tally was India's second-highest ever against their southern rivals, the highest being 373 for 6 made against the Lankans in the 1999 World Cup tie at Taunton in England.

The visitors' run-chase, after they were set an asking rate of 7.02 by the Indians whose total surpassed the previous best of 348 for 8 made by New Zealand in 1995-96 at this venue, went haywire once Jayasuriya, who struck six fours, and Sangakkara departed in the space of two overs.

Jayasuriya spooned a drive straight to Dravid at short extra cover in the llth over, Harbhajan's first, and then in the very next over Sangakkara was deceived by Virender Sehwag's extra bounce and turn and gave a tame return catch as Lanka slid to 76 for 3 from 74 for one in very little time.

Then Harbhajan struck two blows in four balls to send back the promoted Upul Chandana (3) and Russel Arnold (0) and the tourists were on their knees.

Mahela Jayawardene, the vice captain, departed after being castled in trying an injudicious reverse sweep against super sub Murali Kartik, and the Lankans were looking down the barrel.

Kartik and Harbhajan ensured that the lower order did not prosper much though Chaminda Vaas (37 not out) and Super Sub Dilhara Lokuhettige (29) tried their level best to keep their side in the fight till the end with a 63-run ninth wicket stand.

SCOREBOARD
India:
V Sehwag c Sangakkara b Vaas 20
S Tendulkar c Sangakkara b Maharoof 93
I Pathan c Jayawardene b Dilshan 83
Yuvraj Singh lbw Dilshan 14
R Dravid not out 85
M Dhoni c Jayawardene b Fernando 38
A Agarkar run out 1
J Yadav not out 3
Extras (lb-5, nb-4, w-4): 13
Total (for 6 wkts, in 50 overs): 350
Fall of Wkts: 1-41, 2-205, 3-207, 4-247, 5-316, 6-319
Bowling: Vaas 9-0-67-1, Maharoof 10-0-82-1, Fernando 10-0-66-1, Muralitharan 10-0-49-0, Dilshan 6-0-40-2, Chandana 5-0-41-0.

Sri Lanka:
S Jayasuriya c Dravid b Harbhajan 27
M Atapattu b Pathan 1
K Sangakkara c and b Sehwag 43
U Chandana st Dhoni b Harbhajan 3
M Jayawardene b Kartik 17
R Arnold b Harbhajan 0
T Dilshan b Kartik 23
F Maharoof st Dhoni b Kartik 2
C Vaas not out 37
D Lokuhettige b Sree Santh 29
M Muralitharan c Karrik b Sree Santh 6
Extras (lb 2, nb 2, w 6): 10
Total (all out in 34.2 overs): 198
Fall of Wkts: 1-10, 2-74, 3-76, 4-88, 5-88, 6-118, 7-121, 8-126, 9-189
Bowling: Pathan 5-0-34-1; Santh 5.4-0-39-2; Agarkar 3-0-20-0; Harbhajan 10-0-35-3; Sehwag 3-1-20-1; Kartik 9-0-48-3.

The H1Bees Want You: To Rock and Roll

Singing of the Immigrant Experience -- And Life in the Tech Sector

The computer programmers arrived in the United States unknown to each other but united in their quest to rock.

On the surface, they were not unlike many others who have left India over the past decade on the H-1B visa, a guest worker program for highly skilled professionals. They wore glasses and mustaches and collared shirts. They could exterminate Y2K bugs and code Java and link Unix.

But as they toiled in cubicles, they dreamed of banging on keyboards of a different sort, of a world where C-sharp is just a musical note, not computer code.

And then their worlds became one.

"H1Bees," an album recorded in a Gaithersburg basement-turned-studio, will be released today, its music a mix of Indian and Western beats with lyrics exploring the high-tech immigrant's experience in the United States. The troupe remains unnamed, giving composer Srikanth Devarajan top billing and referring to the remaining artists as "playback singers," which is customary on many Indian albums.

Yet the computer programmers say their self-produced album would have been impossible in India, where the music industry there is exclusive.

"I was nothing in India," Devarajan said. "Thanks to the H-1, even a small man like me can say I have a studio."

"That's a big deal," nodded Kartik Venkataramanan, a database manager at Verizon who studied Indian classical music as a child and developed an affinity for Jethro Tull somewhere along the way.

Until last year, Devarajan could be described as a most persistent one-man band, using his computing and composing skills to synthesize original scores, dubbing the sound "curry rock."

The overlapping social circles of Indians in the Washington region came to his rescue last year. Out of the blue, he received a random call from friend-of-a-friend Venkataramanan. Venkataramanan's early days on U.S. shores, first Atlanta, then Washington, were spent browsing longingly at Guitar Center until he had saved enough to buy a blue Fender with a Made in the U.S.A. label he fingered as much as its strings.

At last, another computer programmer who wanted to be a rock star. Could there be more out there?

In their first conversation, Venkataramanan invited Devarajan to his housewarming party in Manassas where he promised a gathering of musically inclined folks. There, Devarajan also met Devesh Satyavolu, a multilingual poet, and Srivatsa Srinivasan, who claimed little musical talent of his own but said he always wanted to produce an album and possibly form a production company.

Days later, the new acquaintances gathered in Devarajan's studio to see if they had synergy. As they brainstormed a theme for an album, Devarajan took in the group assembled before him.

The languages differed: Tamil, Hindi, COBAL, BASIC. The journeys seemed parallel: Young man leaves India to earn U.S. dollars, works hard, buys car, returns home to marry, gets green card, buys townhouse, has kid, decides to stay.

"H1Bees," Devarajan said. The album, which will be sold via South Asian Web sites and stores for $6, boasts songs in English, Hindi and Tamil. By setting their sagas to music, they hope to duplicate the success of other immigrant artists catering to diasporas, much of it via the Internet.

Most of the artists hold green cards now, but that's no matter. They vividly describe the job offers that led to migration and the nervousness with which they gave interviews at the U.S. Embassy. Hence the title track, which sounds like a cross between the rock band Weezer and a number off the "Grease" soundtrack, with these lyrics:

"Standing in line, papers in my hand,

All my answers, practiced and planned,

He asked, would ya ever come back home?

(Incredulous laughter)

Yes sir, I will, but first give me that H-1B!"

Another soulful, more serious ballad likens the United States to a beautiful but hard-to-navigate forest.

"You step in here," Devarajan says of the United States. "You're lost. . . . During our initial days here, we were lost in this beautiful country and had a cultural change."

When it became apparent Devarajan needed female vocalists on the album, he relied on the same network that helped him find the other musicians. "This guy that Srikanth knew had a friend who had a friend who knew us," explained Alisha Thomas, a 17-year-old senior at Riverdale Baptist High School who sings on the H1Bees album.

"Srikanth's cousin is married to one of my mother's friend's cousins," explained 16-year-old Swathi Raman, a senior at Thomas Wootton High School who also performs.

The American-born teenagers are separated by more than age from the H-1B immigrants. They cannot read or write in Tamil, so Devarajan writes the phonetic spellings for words and helps with pronunciation. In a song titled "Dollar Income," Thomas and Raman sing as though they are children talking to their H-1B parents. The song debunks the myth of expatriate Indians living the good life.

"As soon as Dad got his H-1, he is forced into a wedding.

As soon as she lands, they give birth to a U.S. citizen.

Sixty percent of Dad's paycheck goes to tax.

Thirty percent goes to the body shop.

Leaving just 10 percent for them."

The "body shop" refers to the middle party who offers the services of computer programmers to companies at a profit. At times, the artists fretted over whether they were getting too preachy or political, Srinivasan said.

"The idea we're putting out there is that we're worker bees. Is this going to be a controversy?" he asked. "We're saying things have happened and we're putting this conflict out there in a humorous way. The sad thing is that H-1Bs are being exploited."

During the dot-com boom, U.S. companies couldn't get enough of the H-1B program, successfully lobbying Congress for an increase on the numbers they could hire on the temporary visas. When the boom went bust, the cap returned to 65,000. Last month, the U.S. government announced it had already exhausted that number of H-1B visas for next year-- two months before the fiscal year even begins. Lobbyists are expected to ask for more visas.

Despite the band members' now permanent status, they say they plan to watch the debate closely because of the effect on the information-technology sector -- and because the H-1B has already made their very particular American Dream come true.

None plans to give up his day job yet.

"We'll stay in IT," Venkataramanan says. "What else do we know?"

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Hope And Dreams

The key to happiness is having dreams.
The key to success is making your dreams come true.

Keep your heart open to dreams.
For as long as there's a dream, there is hope
and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.

To accomplish great things
we must not only act,
but also dream, not only plan, but also believe.

A dream is in the mind of the believer
and in the hands of the doer.

Yesterday is but a vision
and tomorrow is only a dream.
But today well lived makes
every yesterday a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a dream of hope.

Golden Chain Of Friendship

Friendship is like a golden chain
Then links are friends so dear.
And like a rare and precious jewel
It's treasured more each year.

It's clasped together firmly
With a love that's deep and true.
And it's rich and happy memories
And fond recollections too.

Time cannot dfestory its beauty
For as long as memory lives.
Years cannot erase the pleasure
That the joy of friendship gives.

For friendship is the proceless gift
That can't be bought and sold.
But to have an understanding friend
Is worth far more than Gold.

And the golden chain of friendship
It a strong and blessed tie.
Binding kindred hearts together
As the years go passing by.

It's up to you

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.

One tree can start a forest,
One bird can hearld spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One haldclasp lifts a soul.

One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.

One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh conquers gloom.

One step starts each jouney,
One word starts each prayer.

One hope raises our spirits,
One touch shows you care.

One voice speaks with wisdom,
One heart knows whats true.

One life can make the difference,
You see, it's up to you.

the 90/10 principle

Have you read this before? Discover the 90/10 Principle. It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations). What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.
How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light., but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.


Let's use an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You haveno control over what just what happened. What happens when the next will be determined by how you react. You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15-mi nute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye.
Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?


The answer is D. You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's ok honey, you just need,to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabb ing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves.You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle.

If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO C ARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, nd do not worry about it.

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She ha s no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it.

The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle. The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. There never seem to be a success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to be constantly happening. There is constant stress, lack of joy, and broken relationships. Worry co nsumes time. Anger breaks friendships and life seems dreary and is not enjoyed to the fullest. Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this describe you? If so, do not be discouraged

You can be different! Understand and apply the 90/10 principle.

If you love her set her free.....

The original quote goes something like this:
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

New Versions for the 20th century...

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was


Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.


Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.


Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ..
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...


Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ...


C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;


Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free


Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom


Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.


Statisticians:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.


Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


Over possessive person:
If you love someone
don't set her free.


MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously


Psychologist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.


Somnabulist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.


ERP functional expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis


Finance expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.


Marketing Specialist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Kimi Raikkonen: The Magnificient Seven(th)

It was a sunny day. The grandstands were bursting. And motor racing was on the agenda. Real motor racing. Not the scrappy politics that has dominated Formula 1 for so long; nor the unhealthy domination of one team, but rather good old-fashioned spectacular motor racing and even what we used to call a Silverstone-type finish as Kimi Raikkonen went around the outside of Giancarlo Fisichella on the last lap of the race to win an astonishing victory from 17th place on the grid.

Equally impressive was Fernando Alonso who charged through the field and gave everyone (except perhaps Michael Schumacher) a thrill as he passed the seven-time World Champion around the outside in the daunting 130R Corner.

Now that is what motor racing is all about!

They say that smoking can ruin your health but it did not seem to do much harm to Jenson Button's BAR-Honda as the cars revved themselves stupid as the lights came on before the start of the 2005 Japanese Grand Prix. Jenson did not get away very well but the Honda V10 did not blow up and there were no doubt a few sighs of relief down in the BAR pit as the field hustled down to the first corner. And it was there that the team and the Japanese fans had to take a sharp intake of breath as national hero Takuma Sato went wombling into the dirt in his BAR while trying to hold back Christian Klien.

Up ahead Ralf Schumacher had made the most of his pole position to lead Giancarlo Fisichella, Jenson Button and a fast-starting David Coulthard but after that it was all a big cloud of dust. Sato was the first to go but Rubens Barrichello joined in with gusto, running across Sato's nose and setting off a parallel cloud of dust. The Japanese TV producers were so excited by this development that they then followed the trundling Takuma for half a lap before someone rang up and pointed out that a motor race was going on and it might be an idea for them to use the cameras to follow it.

By the time we got back to the action they had missed a key moment. This was probably not a bad idea because Ron Dennis and Norbert Haug would probably have collapsed with cardiovascular crises had they seen the two McLaren-Mercedes Benz's clonking one another as Kimi Raikkonen and Juan Pablo Montoya tried to navigate through the chaff.

"There was quite a lot happening," admitted Raikkonen. "I was turning in and Montoya touched my rear wheel and I got sideways and he went by me, but luckily we did not damage the cars."

Ah, but give them time...

Up at the chicane Kimi ran wide, ran across the grass and rejoined, fortunately setting off down the hill quickly enough to avoid bits and pieces of McLaren which came back onto the track after Montoya went off into the wall while trying to drive around the outside of Jacques Villeneuve's Sauber at a place where one does not really do that. The fact is that the TV director was still hyper-ventilating from the Sato Affair and missed most of the incident. The drivers did not agree on who was to blame but the FIA stewards concluded, hopefully using other footage, that it was all Villeneuve's fault. He was formally reprimanded and given a 25-second time penalty after the race.

"I never even saw him," said Jacques, "so I really have no idea what he might have been trying to do when he went off."

The important point in all of this was not whether justice was done but rather that Montoya was gone and with him went the chance of McLaren to win the Constructors' title in Japan. Indeed it opened the way for Renault to fight back. Fisichella was up the front and waiting for Toyota's public relations exercise to come to an end and Alonso was going gangbusters through the field, like a hot knife through butter.

The Montoya crash resulted in six laps during which the field circulated behind a Safety Car with Ralf, Fisichella, Button, Coulthard, Mark Webber, Klien, Michael Schumacher, Alonso, Villeneuve and Antonio Pizzonia making up the top 10. Raikkonen was 12th.

When the action started again Ralf disappeared off again, obviously on a much lower fuel load than those giving chase. This was not altogether unexpected and there was much pre-race banter about whether or not Ralf would get to lap 10 before having to pit. In fact he got to 13 (although five laps were spent doing low-consumption speeds behind the Safety Car). Or to put it another way, this was either a Toyota PR stunt because a three-stop strategy made no sense at all, or the three-stop strategy was the best option for the team, in which case the car is not as good as we thought. Either way it did not reflect well on Toyota. After the race Toyota argued that the Safety Car ruined its plan but it was not very convincing.

As we waited for this to happen Schumacher passed Klien and Alonso set himself up to follow only to run wide at the chicane. This gave him an advantage and so he carefully lifted off and let the Austrian back ahead and then floored the throttle. Within half a lap Fernando had overtaken him properly although this appears to have been missed by the stewards (who were probably watching the poor TV coverage) and the result was that a few laps later Alonso was told by the FIA to back off and let the Red Bull go ahead again. In order to do that he had to sacrifice around four seconds to allow Klien to catch up. He lost so much time that everyone thought he had a mechanical problem or had gone off and the incident had been missed by the TV director. Anyway, for three laps Fernando had to sit behind Klien before he could get ahead. He then left the Red Bull behind. Raikkonen soon had Klien for lunch and so the Austrian was down to eighth from fourth on the grid.

Once Ralf disappeared into the pits, to re-emerge in ninth position, we had a clearer picture of what the real race was going to be like: Fisichella was ahead and going away. Button's BAR could not hack the pace and Coulthard's Red Bull could not keep up with the BAR. Mark Webber looked threatening while Michael Schumacher looked feisty but frustrated as he held back Alonso and Raikkonen. We had already lost Pizzonia in the second Williams who made a mistake (a costly one perhaps) and spun off of his own accord on the 10th lap. A minute or two later Honda and Toyota got a little more airtime as Takuma Sato tried to pass Jarno Trulli down at the back, made a complete mess of the move and took out poor old Trulli in what can only be described as a hit-and-run.

"Sato tried a manoeuvre that was obviously impossible," said Jarno. "He just tried to overtake me but instead he hit me and pushed me off. There was no reason to try that move so I don't know what he was thinking. He's been causing problems for a long time and the FIA has to take action to stop it."

Given that Taku was recently punished for punting off Michael Schumacher at Spa, the penalty was akin to a spanking with a feather. He was excluded from the results, a punishment which means absolutely nothing to a F1 driver who finishes a race in 13th place. A reprimand was added but this will hardly have Taku quaking in his racing boots.

Now the key point, apart from the entertaining dice between Schumacher, Alonso and Raikkonen in the midfield, was how long Fisichella could go before he came in for a top-up. We got that answer on lap 20 but no-one was paying attention because simultaneously Alonso pulled off the move of the race by going around Michael Schumacher on the outside in 130R. Yes, read that again slowly and appreciate what it means. The fearsome 130R corner. On the outside. Michael Schumacher. That is brave.

"That was very nice," said Fernando later. "I was on the outside, flat out and risky but I had nothing to lose."

Now that the World Championship is his, Fernando is willing to joust and not drive around picking up points. The problem was that as the race developed Fernando's strategy meant that he was continually passing the slow men ahead of him and then having to stop and do it all again. That made progress slow.

On the list of fastest laps Alonso all but matched Raikkonen's best lap but one must consider that fuel loads were an important element in this. Alonso stopped on lap 22, Kimi went on to lap 26. The second stints saw Fernando do 14 laps to Kimi's 19. And that said it all. The McLaren was quicker. For a while after everyone ahead cleared out of the way Michael Schumacher and Raikkonen ran together at the front and then both went into the pits together. The Ferrari even managed to stay ahead but within a few laps Kimi went around the outside of Michael into Turn 1 and that was the end of that. Michael was left behind to play with Alonso again. On lap 33 Fernando took Michael on the inside at Turn 1. Soon afterwards Alonso stopped again and fell back down the order.

While all of this was going on Fisichella was leading Button and Webber (the Williams having got out ahead of Coulthard at the first stops on lap 23). By lap 37 Fisichella's lead was out to 19secs. This one, we thought, we in the bag. On lap 38 Fizzy pitted and so Button and Webber fought for the lead for a bit. And then for a few short laps Raikkonen was back ahead and running very fast before he too had to head to pitlane. It was lap 45. There were eight to go and Fisichella was more than five seconds ahead of Raikkonen. Webber was third with Alonso closing. Button had faded to fifth and Coulthard was sixth ahead of Michael, Ralf and Klien.

We watched the gap. On lap 47 it was 4.3secs, on 48, 3.1s and on 49 it was cut to just 1.8s. By the end of lap 50 Fisichella's hopes looked slim. Raikkonen was right with him and looking dangerous.

Behind them there was further excitement as Alonso caught Webber but for a string of laps could not get past. Then on lap 49 Mark made a small mistake out of the chicane. Alonso carried a little extra speed down the straight and then went for the inside as they hurtled down to Turn 1.

"The asphalt ran out," Fernando said later, "and I had to use a little bit of grass!"

The move took Webber completely by surprise and by the time he had gathered his wits about him he was looking at the back end of the Renault - and it was disappearing up the road. Mark would end the day in fourth. A good effort.

Back at the front all eyes were now on the fight (and even the TV director had managed to work this one out). At the end of lap 51 the two cars went across the line split by two-tenths, which meant that they were side by side. At the end of lap 52 they were even closer and as they went down to Turn One Raikkonen went for the outside line, hit the rev limiter of the McLaren and ignored it and swept around the Renault in very classy style to move into the lead. It was all great and it was over. The Renaults would get home second and third and together they managed to claw back the lead of the Constructors' Championship but Raikkonen had scored his seventh win of the year. Alonso may be the World Champion but he has only six wins to his name and as we head to China Kimi will want another to underline that he was the man to beat in 2005 and that his Mercedes-Benz engines failed him.


L to R: #2 Giancarlo Fisichella (Renault), #1 Kimi Raikonnen (McLaren), #3 Fernando Alonso (Renault)

"I think it is one of the best for sure," a rather pink-faced Raikkonen said of his victory. "I really had to fight for it and after all the problems we had this weekend, it was very nice. There was a lot happening in the race all the time. When I came up behind Fisichella I was thinking which way I should go. Of course at the inside it is easier to overtake, but Fisichella went to the inside so I didn't have much choice but to go round the outside?"

The result must inevitably cast a shadow on the career of Fisichella for he had what seemed like a huge lead and it had gone away. It was not the sort of display that Renault team boss Flavio Briatore likes to see from one of his cars.

"He was just quicker than me on the straight," Fisichella said. "I did my best."

But his best was not good enough.

Sixteen seconds behind Giancarlo was Alonso and then came Webber who finally had a few things go right for him and rewarded the team with fourth place. He had, however, beaten Jenson Button and David Coulthard both of whom started the day ahead of him. Button said that the cause of his defeat was a dodgy fuel hatch which cost him time in both stops but it is doubtful that it made much difference because Webbber was quicker when it mattered.

Michael Schumacher might have spent the afternoon watching youngsters passing him left and right but he probably deserved better than seventh, having driven the wheels off the beastly Ferrari F2005. Little Bro Ralfie came home eighth. The rest trailed home as normal, the big event being in the mid-race when Albers's Minardi went up in flames for a brief moment after Chrsitijan overshot his mark and the fuel hose had to be stretched a little which resulted in a small spillage and a flash fire. To give Albers some mitigating circumstances, Robert Doornbos also overshot his mark and ran into one of his mechanics.

The Minardi men hobbled home with singed ears.

Renault took14 points from the race and so regained the lead in the Constructors' Championship. The team is now two ahead of McLaren and there is everything to play for in Shanghai this time next week.

If we get a race as good as this one, everyone will be happy.

Happy Birthday Sameer!

Today is October 5 2005.

My best friend since school, Sameer Gharat, is celebrating his birthday. He is presently in Manchester, UK, on assignment.

Happy Birthday Sameer! Have a blast buddy!! Cheers!!!

Here's something nostalgic:

The handsome devil on the right is Sameer!

Please wish Sameer at: http://www.opti-mystic.net/blog/

And btw, Sameer is quite a writer. Here is something that he penned down. Being the eyewitness, I can vouch for the veracity of the article

Palmolive ka jawaab nahi

Today, the dials on the Time Machine are being set some seven years back. I was in my third year of engineering at PICT, Pune (and as an oft-told joke goes, Tired of Engineering). Now, anyone who has weathered the trauma of engineering studies, would agree with me when I say that the bane of engineering is a dreaded word... Submissions!! Submissions are the ultimate torture mechanism devised by the teaching fraternity. Fortunate is the engineering student who hasn't been singed by it!

But... as is my wont, I digress! So... where was I??! ;-)

It was, as I said, my third year in college and the academic year was drawing to a close which meant that the professors, ignored throughout the year, would extract their pound of flesh by being extra-stingy with their marks for journal-work. Anyways, marks are given to complete journals. And my journal was practically empty (and so... the most well-maintained! ... coz I had hardly bothered to even open it!).

"Tomorrow is the last date for submission!", these words came like a hammer blow in my solar plexus. Quickly I calculated the time that I had at my disposal. It was already evening and it had been an especially long day. But I had the night... ahh the night!! :-)

So, I ran after the guy who gave me the bad news... and demanded his journal, which he gave. Immediately, cancelling all other plans for the evening, I rushed home and settled down to copy the contents of my friend's journal, verbatim, to my empty journal. Twenty assignments is a lot of writing work! (especially for a slowpoke scribbler like me!). Not having the inclination to go out to the usual dining hall down the street, I skipped dinner.

The progress was slow and soon the evening turned into night and today slowly but surely slipped into tomorrow. I wrote on... and on... and on, till my fingers ached and the neck went stiff. I was paying the price for being a dumb fool and a distant voice in my mind cried out, "Suffer! you idiot!!... Suffer for your stupidity and laziness!". And suffer I did... as I heard the sonorous notes drifting in from the bedroom, where my friend, Saurabh snored in his peaceful sleep!

Finally... the final word of the final assignment was written! As soon as this happened, I cast away the pen and leaned back into the chair and let out a loud sigh! The impossible was done! Write-ups of twenty assignments completed in one night. "Bravo Sam!... You really are Supersam!!", I congratulated myself and to celebrate the occasion, I made myself a sandwich and ate it... at around four o'clock at dawn!! ;-)

Rather than take two hours of sleep, I switched on the TV and spent the next two-three hours mindlessly channel-surfing.

I reached the college very early that day, hoping to be the first in the line outside the professor's cabin to get his signature on the journal. But to my surprise I found that I was not the only one who had the bright idea of coming in early and I was relegated to the end of a long line, where I spent the better part of the day since the professor was due to come in later during the day. By now, I was yawning and the eyelids were beginning to droop... and I was feeling tired as hell! But what had to be done, had to be done!

Finally, late in the afternoon, it was my turn and when the prof saw that none of my assignments were signed, he looked up and regarded me with disgust. I couldn't care less if he had jumped up and down shouting my name interspersed between obscenities. I wanted the damned signature and then I wanted to sleep. Mutterring a few protests about how the students take advantage of his leniency, the professor shook his head and signed the journal. Smiling, I said "Thank you, sir" and was out of the room before he could say "Next!".

More than sleep, I needed something to eat, so I went, with my friends, to a fast food joint across the road from the college. As I sat there waiting for the snacks to be served, I leaned on a pole nearby and fell asleep! ... Later, having eaten the snacks, I found myself riding pillion on my friend's scooter as he made his way through the narrow lanes of Pune deftly manouvering through the crowds and traffic. He had to stop the scooter couple of times at the corner of the road because I fell asleep and started swaying gently, sitting behind him! ;-)

He managed to drop me home, somehow... and when he left, I threw my bag aside and plonked myself onto the bed and was asleep instantaneously.

I don't know when Saurabh came back from college and let himself in the house. But it was he who shook me and tried to wake me up for dinner. Only half roused out of the deep slumber, I looked around and dropped back to sleep. It must've taken a herculean effort, after that, on Saurabh's part to make me sit up in bed as he asked me to get ready to go out for dinner.

I was still very much in slumberland and one part of my mind kept telling me that it was morning. Another part reasoned that it must be very early in the morning because it was still pretty dark outside. And another part of my sleepy mind agreed with the appraisal of the situation and instructed me to get up.

So... get up I did! ... and walked straight to the wash-basin. Once I got there, it was out of sheer force of habit (of morning rituals), that I grabbed my toothbrush from the toothbrush holder and with sleepy eyes and a drowsy mind, squeezed some paste onto it! ... and started brushing!
Not all the alarms clocks in the world or even buckets of ice-cold water could have shaken me more completely out of my sleep than putting that toothbrush in my mouth did!!

The cruel eviction from slumberland brought me to my senses as I realized something was wrong... terribly wrong!! My mouth burned and glancing up into the mirror I noticed to, my horror, that there was an unnaturally huge amount of foam in my mouth!!

My gaze travelled downwards to my left hand which held a tube. And the next thought in my head was...

"Palmolive ka jawaab nahin!"

Right beside you

Life takes some crazy turns
and where we thought we would be
is not where we always end up.

We dont know what the future holds
and where we will be
or what we will be doing.

There are a few things in life
you can depend on,
as you begin your journey to follow your dreams.

When you lose your way
or you feel overwhelmed,
or you just need someone to talk to
dont want for me
because, I wont be behind you

And dont try to run to catch up with me
because, I wont be ahead of you.

You should know
I've always been,
and will always be
right beside you

Dont Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's just when things go wrong that you must not quit

Snapshot

When you take a snapshot,
of something beautiful,
you know that it is forever and
you can keep it close to your heart...

And no one can ever take it away
from you because
you keep it inside your heart...

No matter what the snapshot is
you will always remember,
The beauty of that special snapshot
you cherish with inside you and always...

The Light From Within

People are like stained glass windows
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out
But when the darkness sets in
Their true beauty is revealed
Only if there is a light from within

Till Next We Meet

I knew that you couldn’t stay –
That you were simply on loan to me for a short while,
And I’ve loved every minute,
And will count the seconds,
Till next we meet.

And I know that I will always have you in my heart,
In my mind, and in my soul –
Where I’ve always known you,
Where I will keep you,
Till next we meet.

So, although I’m sad that you are leaving,
I know that the best decisions are not the easy ones.
Now is not the right time or place,
And I’ll try to be patient,
Till next we meet.

I know until then I will hear your voice in my heart –
See your face in my memories,
And feel your touch in my dreams,
Till next we meet.

Life And How to Live It

Live itself can’t give you joy
Unless you really will it;
Life just gives you time and space
It’s up to you to fill it

Those We Love...

They say the world is round,
Yet I often think that it is square,
So many little hurts we get
From corners here and there.

But there is one truth in life that I have found
While journeying East and West,
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those we love the best.

Insurance statements

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining!


Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.


The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions.


I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.


I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.


A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.


I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.


In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.


I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.


I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.


I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.


As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.


To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.


My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.


I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found that I had fractured my skull.


I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.


The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.


The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.


I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.


The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of it's way when it struck the front end.

Excuses

Excuse me

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.


My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.


Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.


Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.


Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.


Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.


Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.


Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.


My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.


Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.


Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Saturday's Child (by Varsha Bhosle)

(By Rediff columnist Varsha Bhosle on her mother, singing legend Asha Bhosle)

At the time, I put it down to fate. The jubilation of having scored decent marks after a bare minimum attendance, the ensuing wrath of the hallowed Mrs Dossal who ran the political science department of Elphinstone College, the flaring tempers, the thinly-veiled threats -- it nearly brought my academic life to a stand-still. Her words still ring in my ears; and they bring with them the same blinding fury: "I can well imagine how you managed to get these marks. It's no big secret what can be bought and sold. I know what kind of a family you come from. Miss a single lecture, and we'll see." The comedy of it all was that it never was a big secret that Mrs Dossal's 'prepared notes' were almost verbatim from the Sabine textbook. Besides, it has never needed a genius to pass bona fide our university exams without attending lectures.

At that time, I found it hard to believe that her rage may have been goaded by envy, pettiness or prejudice. Against what, and against whom? I certainly couldn't picture her as a frustrated diva. It took me many more such instances to divine exactly what I was up against. From "what kind of family" do I come? A chosen family, a special family, a family gifted with music since three generations.

For people who -- after having ground away the stipulated years in university, higher studies, apprenticeships, etc -- trudge up and down the steep ladder of seniority, it must be extremely galling to see the seemingly uneducated, tasteless, loose-living, filthy-rich upstarts of the Indian film industry leave them yards behind in the rat-race. Predictably, the female singer was consigned to the bottom rung of their esteem. Depending upon the sensibilities of the person, and regardless of actualities, she was labelled bai-ji, gaayika, gaanewali, kothewali, devdasi, etc. The list is quite endless; I had to learn to cope with it.

The earliest memory I have of my mother, Mrs Asha Bhosle, is a fleeting montage of doorbells rung very late in the night, a sobbing woman hugging me back to sleep, the strains of strange, repetitive singing emanating from behind a closed door... I bang on the door wanting to go in, but am roughly pulled away by a man when the music threatens to cease. Later, I learned that that was a routine day in the life of my father: guarding Aai against all impediment which may have prevented her from singing for their supper. I have erased my father from my memory, and with him, some of my own childhood: a defence mechanism, people call it. From the sordid tales I hear from our old cook, I must have desperately needed to do it. Suffice to say that it is the stuff which has fed scriptwriters and novelists from time immemorial, of indignities heaped upon submissive womanhood.

Aai came into her own quite suddenly. One day it struck her that her third and advanced state of pregnancy may not be able to sustain the daily dose of bashing that was her lot. The next day, she left behind every single paisa she had earned, her bungalow, her car, even her clothes, and sought refuge with Mai Mangeshkar, the grand old materfamilias. (It's a sore point in my life that she found the courage to do so only when my younger brother Anand was to be born). Of course, there were instant theories in the industry about this 'desertion', and I'm sure that there were many who were disappointed when Anand grew up to be (fortunately, only in appearance) a replica of our father.

From now, I am on safe ground: I do not have to rely on hearsay. My memory miraculously returns with our surreptitious flight to the home of my grandmother, my three aunts and uncle. However, my memories of Aai are still not all that bright. Initially, there's just a smattering of her, for she has to work twice as hard, since she has to rebuild from scratch, and there is one more mouth to feed. Although she was always there to make our home, put us through school and spoil us with luxuries, I never had enough of her. How a single parent manages to merge the roles of provider and home-maker is still beyond my comprehension. Much later, I asked her, "Aai, you had the security of the roof of your own mother, your sisters -- what was the big rush to set up your own house? Instead, couldn't you have given us more time?" Without missing a beat, she replied, "Never again did I want to be at the mercy of anyone else. It would have been equally harmful for you three. You had to grow up in your own home, and with the freedom I alone could sanction". We did, we did.

After setting up independently, Aai rebelled a textbook kind of rebellion. Much more than today, the film industry -- like our society at large -- was saturated with prejudice, hypocrisy and factionism -- and Asha Bhosle had tacitly been branded a fallen woman. It certainly didn't help when the closest comparable rival was her own sister, the ethereal Miss Lata Mangeshkar. Soon, choice assignments were withdrawn, and a conspiracy of silence manifested itself into Aai's musical career... But, if anyone so much as suggested something to alleviate the situation, you could bank on Asha Bhosle to do the opposite. After more than a decade of suppression, and of keeping the shame of her squalid married life from her family and colleagues, she simply revelled in her absolute freedom. What still fascinates me is the total honesty and fearlessness with which she lived, as if to say, "My life is an open book, make of it what you will."

It's accepted that one needs to humanise a hero in order to understand and truly appreciate him; the corollary to which may be that an idol admitting to be made entirely of clay, as they all must be, is soon relegated to the tar-pits. Whatever others may say, I'm convinced that her being typecast by music directors as the perennial cabaret/ mujra/ qawwali singer is a fallout of her early life. I'm not quite qualified to comment on music, but one fact is undeniable -- like any other extraordinary singer, she excelled in all genres, but Hindi film-makers were ticklish about giving their on-screen epitomes of Indian womanhood the voice of this rather camp personality. If the character was 'westernised', her voice was that of Asha. And this label stuck just at the time when the most memorable music was being composed for the Indian heroine.

Curiously, the Marathi, Bengali and Gujarati music industries were totally unaffected by any of these tags: some of her best heroine-songs of that period are in these languages. Since being politically correct has never been my forte, I may as well say that it speaks volumes about regional cultures and sensitivities. Moreover, what a coincidence that just around the time of her marriage to R D Burman, the "cabaret singer" label was miraculously replaced by the respectable "versatile". I grit my teeth each time I hear it. Just another label signifying nothing.

If I were to sum up my mother in one word, it would have to be zidd: 'wilfulness' or 'obstinacy' doesn't connote the shades of determination and the readiness to toil that I associate with it and her. The more formidable the task, the harder she applies herself to it. Like her venture into the Western music world as a member of the pop-group The West India Company, formed with Steven Luscombe of Blancmange. One fine day, Anand casually informed her that he had finalised the deal and that, in a month, she would have to a) compose; b) sing; c) interact with British musicians and technicians; d) give live interviews on radio; e) appear on television... and all this in English, in England.

For a middle-aged woman who had never been to school, let alone spoken a complete English sentence, this, I thought, was an impossibility. I was appalled. What happened was, I had the stomach runs for a month, while she diligently rose at 4 am, donned her Walkman, and heard 'Spoken English' cassettes for hours. Well, she did it all: entered the Top-20 charts with her song Ave Maria,, appeared on British and German television, spoke lucidly on radio interviews, addressed the British press -- all with her usual unfazed panache.

Her spirit reaches dizzying heights during concert tours. In 1989, during the US tour, she underwent the most rigorous schedule ever devised. We had to play 13 cities in 20 days, which entailed cross-country red-eyes taken barely a few hours after the completion of each show. Every musician was sapped by the time we boarded the plane immediately after the last concert in Houston, Texas. But were we going home? No. We were on our way for yet another gig -- in Stockholm, Sweden. This journey was the proverbial last straw: Aai suffered a massive attack of colitis, together with fever, cough and weakness. The very first result of even one of these complaints is trembling of the voice, which then 'splits' into two, and Aai had 'em all.

At the pre-concert crisis meeting in Stockholm, it was decided by Anand and the sponsors that short of cancelling the gig, the only way out was that the orchestra should play umpteen instrumental tracks, the accompanying singers (Suresh Wadkar and yours truly) shoulder the load, and the billed star make a cursory appearance. Which would, no doubt, have led to a riot. Hereupon, my multiple visits to my favourite place commenced.

At the stage-wings that evening, our band conductor approached me with the news that Ashaji had rejected all such 'insane' proposals, that she would sing exactly what the audience had come to hear. I must add here that most of Asha's hits, like Dum maro dum, O mere sona re, Jaiye aap kahan jayenge, Duniyan mein logon ko, etc, sound 'frothy' and 'airy'. It's only when a lesser singer attempts them that one can gauge the tremendous breath-control and pitch modulation required for these non-classical, hence 'lightweight', songs. It's solely her mastery that makes them seem so easy to execute. Anyway, I had been clutching at the misguided belief that the turn-out in any city of continental Europe would be less than moderate. But, as it must happen at such times, that evening, the show was a sell-out...

The hall was packed with Indian and Pakistani expats when Aai started with her first set of six songs. I could recognise the strain in the moments when she suddenly dropped the volume or signalled the violinist to join in. All I could do was deliver glasses of glucose to the stage. At best, it was an indifferent performance; and I couldn't even blame the audience for its lack of response. Before the start of the second set of songs, a lone voice cried out from the audience, "Asha-taiiii, please sing a Marathi song. We've come a long way for it." Aai softly hummed, Naach-naachuni ati mi damale... the opening lines which roughly translate as "I'm so very tired of this endless dancing, oh Lord..."

I have yet to accept what happened in that flash. Perhaps, it was a case of putting mind over matter. Or, perhaps she heard, understood and experienced the words like never before. Or, maybe the Great Conductor in the sky decided that she had been tried enough. Her eyes closed, and both hands clenching the microphone, she crooned or belted out the stanzas as the mood gripped her. The notes and words seemed to swirl in a lazy vortex around the stage, gently eroding even the mildest defence in their path, till all was one pristine, homocentric entity. I remember crying unashamedly, and a moist-eyed Suresh hugging me whilst murmuring things like, "There will never be another like her; how can she conjure up such magic against such odds? How does she do it?"

There was absolute silence when the song finally ended. And then, very slowly, as if gradually awakening from a stupor, the claps and encores started, gradually building up to such a crescendo that the auditorium virtually erupted. I was in shock -- after all, it wasn't a predominantly Marathi audience. But, that's the power of music. It's the last remaining frontier where complete harmony exists amongst people of all religions, castes and languages. From that point of time, the concert gained a momentum all of its own: we could do nothing to curb it, and Asha Bhosle could do nothing wrong.

What did happen to the colitis, fever, etc? Back home, Aai was in bed for a full month, recuperating from overexertion. But that was afterwards... After ALL the commitments had been honourably discharged...

My mother is my entire family, Mrs Dossal. This is the family to which I proudly belong.

Patton's speech to the 3rd army

One of the most memorable scenes in movie history is the beginning of the 1970 film "Patton". The scene starts off with a giant American flag as a backdrop. Patton played by George C. Scottenters that stage, salutes, and gives one helluva speech to the Third Army, on the eve of the Allied invasion of France.

It is so memorable because it is simple, yet powerful. It's just a general speaking exactly what is on his mind and not holding anything back.

(Warning: Contains profanity and strong language)

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/mp3clips/newmoviespeeches/moviespeechpatton.mp3

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.

Now, an Army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great World War II, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled shit in Louisiana."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

That’s all.

pasayadaan

pasayadan


aata vishwatmakay dayvay | yeNay vaagyadnay toshaavay
toshoni maj dyavay | pasayadaan hay ||

jay khaLaanchi vyankaTee saanDo | taya satkarmi rati vaaDho
bhoota parasparay paDo | maitra jeevanchay ||

dureetanchay timeera jaavo | viswha swadharmasuryay paaho
jo je vaansheel to tay laaho | praanijaata ||

varshata sakalamangaLi | eeshwarnisTHanchi maandiyaaLi
anavarata bhumanDali | bhayTatu bhoota ||

chala kalpataroonchay aarava | chetanachintaminchay gaava
bolatay jay arNava | piyushanchay ||

chandramay jay alanshana | martanDa jay taapaheena
tay sarvahi sada sajjana | soyaray hotu ||

kimbahuna sarva sukhi | purNa houni tihi lokee
bhajee jo aadi purukhi | akhanDeeta ||

aaNi granthopayjeeviyay | visheshi lokay eeyay
drushTadrushTavijayay | hovavay jee ||

yayth mhaNe shreevishveshwarao | aa hoeel daan pasaao
yeNe vare dnyaandevo | sukhiya zaala ||



"PasayaDaan" means "Prayers for the Universe"

Now, May the Supreme God who is the soul of all Universe be satisfied by this discourse and grant me grace.

May the wicked shed their sinister outlook and

May they develop liking for good deeds and

May all the individuals develop friendship with each other

May the Universe lose its darkness of sin and

May the dawn of righteous duties come and

May the desires of all creatures be fulfilled

May the assemblies of devotees of God who shower all that is auspicious on this earth meet all creatures.

These devotees are walking seeds of the wish trees (kalpavriksha), living communities of wish stones or talking oceans of nectar

May these saints who are like moon devoid of spots or sun without the scorching heat be friends and relatives to all creatures

Why ask for more?

May all creatures in the three worlds be perfect and happy and

May every creature desire of ceaseless devotion to the Primeval Supreme Being and

May those who live by the support of this book gain happiness in this world and next

On hearing this the Lord of the Universe said, "I have granted you this grace"

And by that boon Shri Dnyandeo was very happy.

I want it all

Tenjewberrymuds!

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest androom-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: " Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

It's only soccer...

Airliner fakes emergency so passengers can watch soccer game

A chartered jet carrying 289 Gambian soccer fans pretended it needed to make an emergency landing so they could watch their team compete in the FIFA Under 17 World Championships, officials said Wednesday.

The plane, claiming to be low on fuel, landed Tuesday near the stadium in Peru's northern coast city of Piura.

"It truly was a scam," said Betty Maldonado, a spokeswoman for Peru's aviation authority, CORPAC. "They tricked the control tower, saying they were low on fuel."

Emergency crews were scrambled ahead of the unscheduled landing by the Lockhead L1011 Tri-Star, owned by Air Rum Ltd., Maldonado said.

The Air Rum plane, which she said was chartered by Gambian President Yahya Jammeh, should have made its approach to the capital, Lima, but instead flew directly to Piura, entering Peruvian air space "without permission."

The passengers were permitted to attend African team's 3-1 victory over Qatar on Tuesday night, she added, but the plane remained in Piura on Wednesday while authorities determined what penalty, if any, to levy against the airline.

Gambian newspaper Daily Observer reported on its Web page Wednesday that the group of fans had been delayed for a week in a hotel in the small West African nation and were forced Friday to watch their country's victory over Brazil on television.

Cricket dances to bar-girl's tunes

Tarannum, the crorepati dance girl, is in the headlines. She is accused of being a bookie and fixing cricket matches which earned her crores of rupees. The newspapers screamed that ace Sri Lankan off spinner Mutthiah Murlitharan was a regular patron of the dance bar where Tarannum danced / operated. Morparia's cartoon (Mid-Day) is worth a thousand words: Cricket dances to bar-girl's tunes

(More to come on this would be the bollywood - bookie nexus. Cant wait for that Morparia cartoon to come out)

Homeless wanderer in space.

A supermassive black hole appears to be homeless in the cosmos without a galaxy to nestle in, Hubble Space Telescope scientists reported on Wednesday.

Most monster black holes lurk at the heart of massive galaxies, slurping up matter from the galactic center with a pull so strong that nothing, not even light, can escape.

But a team of European astronomers reported in the journal Nature that a particular black hole some 5 billion light-years away has no evidence of a host galaxy. A light-year is about 6 trillion miles (10 trillion km), the distance light travels in a year.

The black hole was detected when the scientists went hunting for quasars -- extremely bright, small, distant objects that are strongly associated with black holes. Astronomers believe a quasar is produced by cosmic gas as it is drawn toward the edge of a supermassive black hole.

Most quasars and black holes are in the middle of supermassive galaxies and in their survey of 20 relatively nearby quasars, the scientists found 19 followed this expected pattern. But one showed no signs of having a galactic home.

The astronomers, using the Hubble telescope and the Very Large Telescope in Chile, reported that this rogue black hole may be the result of a rare collision between a seemingly normal spiral galaxy and an exotic object harboring a very massive black hole.

One problem in quasar-hunting is that they are so bright, they outshine most galaxies that surround them, just as the headlights from an oncoming vehicle can make the vehicle hard to see. So even if a surrounding galaxy is present, it can be difficult to detect.

The European astronomers used the two telescopes to overcome this problem by comparing the quasars they were watching with a reference star. This let them differentiate the light from the quasar from the light from any possible underlying galaxy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Detecting Black Holes
To be sure that an object is a black hole, we should have some means of measuring its mass. In our own galaxy, several black hole candidates are all members of binary systems, where the other object is a usual star emitting visible radiation! This enables us to measure the mass of the 'invisible' companion. In most cases, their masses turn out to be several solar masses, beyond that for neutron stars. The black hole pulls out matter from its companion star; this matter forms an accretion disc around the hole and is slowly sucked in, the vast graviational energy is converted into intense X-ray and other forms of electromagnetic radiation. More matter is pulled in when the star is closer in orbit around the hole, so that the high energy radiation (Eg - X-Rays) exhibits a periodicity corresponding to the binary period. This is the signature for a black hole.



Doughnut Around a Black Hole

An international team of astronomers have found new evidence that massive black holes are surrounded by a torus (aka a doughnut) of gas and dust that can block our view if seen edge-on. The latest observations were made using the Integral and XMM-Newton space observatories, which looked at NGC 4388; and edge-on spiral galaxy located 65 million light years away. The team was able to determine the thickness and composition of the torus by looking through it at the radiation coming out of the supermassive black hole.


(Not your usual Krispy Kreme)


Using ESA’s Integral and XMM-Newton observatories, an international team of astronomers has found more evidence that massive black holes are surrounded by a doughnut-shaped gas cloud, called a torus. Depending on our line of sight, the torus can block the view of the black hole in the centre. The team looked `edge on’ into this doughnut to see features never before revealed in such a clarity.

Black holes are objects so compact and with gravity so strong that not even light can escape from them. Scientists think that `supermassive’ black holes are located in the cores of most galaxies, including our Milky Way galaxy. They can contain the mass of thousands of millions of suns, confined within a region no larger than our Solar System. They appear to be surrounded by a hot, thin disk of accreting gas and, farther out, the thick doughnut-shaped torus.

Depending on the inclination of the torus, it can hide the black hole and the hot accretion disc from the line of sight. Galaxies in which a torus blocks the light from the central accretion disc are called `Seyfert 2’ types and are usually faint to optical telescopes. Another theory, however, is that these galaxies appear rather faint because the central black hole is not actively accreting gas and the disc surrounding it is therefore faint.

An international team of astronomers led by Dr Volker Beckmann, Goddard Space Flight Center (Greenbelt, USA) has studied one of the nearest objects of this type, a spiral galaxy called NGC 4388, located 65 million light years away in the constellation Virgo. Since NGC 4388 is relatively close, and therefore unusually bright for its class, it is easier to study.

Astronomers often study black holes that are aligned face-on, thus avoiding the enshrouding torus. However, Beckmann's group took the path less trodden and studied the central black hole by peering through the torus. With XMM-Newton and Integral, they could detect some of the X-rays and gamma rays, emitted by the accretion disc, which partially penetrate the torus. "By peering right into the torus, we see the black hole phenomenon in a whole new light, or lack of light, as the case may be here," Beckmann said.

Beckmann's group saw how different processes around a black hole produce light at different wavelengths. For example, some of the gamma rays produced close to the black hole get absorbed by iron atoms in the torus and are re-emitted at a lower energy. This in fact is how the scientists knew they were seeing `reprocessed’ light farther out. Also, because of the line of sight towards NGC 4388, they knew this iron was from a torus on the same plane as the accretion disk, and not from gas clouds `above’ or `below’ the accretion disk.

This new view through the haze has provided valuable insight into the relationship between the black hole, its accretion disc and the doughnut, and supports the torus model in several ways.

Gas in the accretion disc close to the black hole reaches high speeds and temperatures (over 100 million degrees, hotter than the Sun) as it races toward the void. The gas radiates predominantly at high energies, in the X-ray wavelengths.

According to Beckmann, this light is able to escape the black hole because it is still outside of its border, but ultimately collides with matter in the torus. Some of it is absorbed; some of it is reflected at different wavelengths, like sunlight penetrating a cloud; and the very energetic gamma rays pierce through. "This torus is not as dense as a real doughnut or a true German Krapfen, but it is far hotter - up to a thousand degrees - and loaded with many more calories," Beckmann said.

The new observations also pinpoint the origin of the high-energy emission from NGC 4388. While the lower-energy X-rays seen by XMM-Newton appear to come from a diffuse emission, far away from the black hole, the higher-energy X-rays detected by Integral are directly related to the black hole activity.

The team could infer the doughnut’s structure and its distance from the black hole by virtue of light that was either reflected or completely absorbed. The torus itself appears to be several hundred light years from the black hole, although the observation could not gauge its diameter, from inside to outside.

The result marks the clearest observation of an obscured black hole in X-ray and gamma-ray `colours’, a span of energy nearly a million times wider than the window of visible light, from red to violet. Multi-wavelength studies are increasingly important to understanding black holes, as already demonstrated earlier this year. In May 2004, the European project known as the Astrophysical Virtual Observatory, in which ESA plays a major role, found 30 supermassive black holes that had previously escaped detection behind masking dust clouds.

Pissed off!

(This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. )
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There is absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and her date had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was just a day trip. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so leaned her butt to rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her behind from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that she was indeed freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee on her butt to get it off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be pants down.

Jay Leno's comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off"